Skyline.

I had a really dope conversation the other night with someone special. It re-inspired me to create something again. My issue lately has been that I come up with ideas and then I am faced with writers block. But this is different. As many of you know, Mac Miller, a famous artist, died at the age of 26 from a drug overdose.

Many of you may ask where I am going with this one, but be patient. For this blog post, you should kick your feet up, find a nice tall wine glass, and pour yourself a drink.

This blog was fueled by Millers death, but also by the recent conversation that I was just having with a dear friend about outside pressures and expectations; how people are quick to judge and steal your energy. Most importantly, how we sadly live in a world in which the people around us would rather hear sugar coated lies instead of the truth. A few weeks ago, I was feeling down myself. And so I mentioned that I was going to release something very private in what I call “Unsaid Thoughts” yet I later thought to myself; well these are unsaid for a reason. What will happen when I open the can of worms? People jump to conclusions very quickly and I don’t need people to think that there is something wrong with me because that of course is not the case.

Many of you have been following me very close on my journey since I started this blogging thing last year. Every time I write, a million things run through my mind. What will people think, what will people say, but most importantly, how can what I say impact someone else. I also face the fact of releasing something that doesn’t fulfill your read.

So I decided that I will quote, the voices in my head that speak to me, as my friend said; they speak for a reason , and for one reason only, to say something to you.

And so, I have a story to tell......

Welcome Charlemagne:

The Alter Ego of all things.

“The times when I feel like this are very seldom, but they do come. The times when I feel like I have no one in my corner. When all I can do is cry my heart out because no one is listening. It’s just me, myself, and I; and my sobs that exhale my body, and tears that run down my face. That moment when you question your life, and whether all the decisions that have led up to the reason why you are crying are well worth it. I used to wonder why as humans we cry so much. I then remembered why I cry so much. It has always been my way of releasing all my pent up emotions.

Lately, I have felt alone, as if I was reverting back to my old ways and putting back up the walls to my box. I lay here and think about what truly makes me revert back into my box. As I start to pinpoint my triggers, my voices begin to remind me of what others say:

“Your too aggressive”, “You don’t know how to talk to people”, “Change the way you treat others around you” “You should be more conscious about the way you talk to me”. “ Your overanalyze and exaggerate what I say to you”, “You don’t take things how they sounds, you internalize them instead”, “You project negative vibes, unintentionally when you have to get them off your shoulders so others can feel it immediately” .

So the voice reminds me that as a human being, you can’t please everyone, and why mentally the safest thing to do is box all these thoughts and store them away so they won’t be revisited. These feelings create the next set of thoughts and feelings. I begin to yearn to have someone to talk too most of the time, yet it isn’t easy and it’s not what I truly want. I am indeed a crab like my sign. I walk sideways really fast when I need to avoid feelings and facing the facts. I also close myself up and snap with my claws when I feel like I am pinned into a corner. I have prayed about it, I have talked to some about these feelings, but these feelings of unhappiness I realized are much deeper than expected. I barely can keep my body treading above water when I am in this state of mind. The mind is a powerful thing, it’s manipulative, malicious, demonic in ways, yet inspiring, calculative, and awing. They say always follow your heart and never your mind. And I know why, because the heart is more malleable, we can mold it with pain, suffering, hurt, but also fill it with love, compassion, and fulfillment.

And so, I cry because I am hurting mentally. Because I am alone mentally. Because I am broken mentally. I have damage that seems to be beyond repair mentally.

It’s all a mental game that I play with myself. Trying to separate the mind and heart, at this point should be easier because I am not oblivious, but it isn’t something that can be easily done. So the voices in my mental come out to play, they come out to control what I think about, and how I feel, and my heart follows these voices so blindly. This doesn’t make me fool, it makes me real and it constantly serves as a reminder that I am literally a fucking human being again.

Damn.

Today I really realized though how damaged I can be, and I begin to wonder if it will affect my relationship like it did my last one. Nobody knows how my darkness affected my last relationship. That’s something that has been tainted. My mental. Wow. It can cling onto the other person I am with easily. It brings a madness out of me that’s unstoppable. What am I even angry at? Why am I pushing people away? Why am I stuck in some of my stubborn ways?

It brings me to my knees at the same time in tears. It’s a pain that can run deep in my veins. The things it makes me say. The thoughts it can make me have. The pure darkness that can control the mind and block the heart from taking control. Can he withstand the rain? The thunder? The lightning? The storm? Can he be the one to save me from this darkness that can tear me apart inside? When I am in his arms, I feel safe, warm, and forgetful. I forget about the bad thoughts and feelings. The darkness briefly becomes a light that shines through the cracks of doors bringing me hope, life, love, and a future. He holds an aura so bright that outshines my darkness. Yet he doesn’t even realize how beautiful his light is. This light, I never want it to dim. It keeps my mental at ease, away from the madness and the voices become silent. They have nothing to say in regards to his voices. They simply cannot compete. Don’t ever stop shinning in my direction my love. I love you.

NO.

BUT.

I.

CANT.

RESIST.

WHAT.

WILL.

YOU.

SAY.

I revert to crawling sideways again and snap when I see through this clear glass box, I realize it’s a very thick one. I can’t hear anyone, and no one can hear me. I know they can’t see me either because no one has asked. And so, I close one door. The listening door. I laugh, and I speak, but no one is really listening. Nobody can hear the pain in my voice, so the door is closed. The next door, talking, is half way closed. I talk to everyone yet nobody talks back. And when they do, it’s not about me, not about my feelings, but about their feelings. How many people actually ask what’s wrong and sincerely want to know what’s wrong with you? Who asks you, what’s on your mind today? See the interesting part of it all, is that these voices allow me to tap in and out sometimes. When I write this, I can tap back to feel. Yet when I tap to far, I become trapped for the rest of the night as my mind becomes restless.

Day by day, I tap the door, and it closes, minutes go by, and I don’t reach out, I don’t extend my hand, because I am scared.

I get a cold feeling, that makes my body shiver. That hairs on the back of my neck stand. The type of feeling that also makes me cry and lay my head on my pillow, as I try to make myself feel warm as I sob”.

Furthermore, as Charlemagne concludes her thoughts. I want to say that you have to live and take things on day by day. I heard my friend mention how he has to endure so many things, without speaking on most of it. Most of us can relate, people change, they do crazy shit, and we see things that we wish we can un-see. So our voices come out. They start whispering crazy things and your mind becomes restless. We start to ask ourselves things like, “how do people see me, what do they think of me”.

As I listened to my friend hit some interesting points, I realized that I was overlooking who he truly was. A person. Someone who has a beautiful heart but guards it ferociously. Someone who has trust issues, but is also open to listening and taking in all the advice he can receive. Someone who doesn’t want to be constantly judged by others, because deep down he knows that he has the world to offer. Most importantly, I realized that my dear friend is loved.

At the end of the day, we are all humans who have a past, a present and a future. We all live different lives, come from different upbringings, but at the end of the day we are all made of flesh and blood. We are all the same in that way. And so, what does it take for you to actually listen and understand someone who can actually use your help at the moment?

I have always said to many, you never know when and how you can impact someone’s life. We are so quick to judge someone by appearance. We begin to categorize people and treat them in ways they shouldn’t be treated. Most importantly, many of us have the tendency to overlook and see how beautiful certain individuals truly can be. That’s not our fault though. Many of us are trained mentally by those around us to stigmatize and treat people a certain way.

Therefore, I remind you all that those around you, who are important to you should know how much you love them. Protect your gems. Remind those who you love that you are there for them at any time of the day, whenever they need you. If you don’t like to walk in a room full of people and be judged, make sure that you are not doing the same for others around you.

Learn to accept individuals into your life with all of the baggage that they come carrying on their sides. Don’t run because you see baggage, stand still because you can take it. Most importantly it’s meant for you to undergo this experience. People don’t walk into your life for no apparent reason. One way or another, they are meant to leave in imprint on your heart. Whether it’s a good one or a bad one, you should always welcome others along with their baggage so that you can learn to live and love, and most importantly so you can learn how to accept and not judge.

Quotes:

"In order to carry a positive action we must develop here a positive vision". - Dalai Lama

"A lack of transparency results in distrust and a deep sense of insecurity". - Dalai Lama

"“Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.” ― Martin Luther King Jr.

“Everyone is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody.” ― Mark Twain

"If people are going to judge me without fully understanding the content of my character, then their opinion just isn't worth it". - Jazz Jennings

"You can't please everyone. When you're too focused on living up to other people's standards, you aren't spending enough time raising your own. Some people may whisper, complain and judge. But for the most part, it's all in your head". - Kris Carr

"Stop being a critic and be a light; don't be a judge, be a model. I think we are far too critical. I think the best way to correct behavior is to accentuate and affirm positive behavior and to ignore negative behavior". - Sean Covey

“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.” ― Oscar Wilde

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” ― Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Don't compromise yourself - you're all you have.” ― John Grisham

“About all you can do in life is be who you are. Some people will love you for you. Most will love you for what you can do for them, and some won't like you at all.” ― Rita Mae Brown

Peace Kings & Queens ,

XOXO