Serenidad

For a while I have been searching for the light in me that had temporarily dimmed. I kept questioning myself and asking why I have no motivation to write, or even think about writing most importantly. And tonight, I had a realization, it hit me in the midst of an argument I was having with someone that I lost that inside of me because I let the world around me dim that light.

I recently had to move apartments, so I have been focused on settling in and figuring myself out. My work hasn’t been the easiest thing to deal with as well, and most importantly I came to realize that I was investing all of my time and emotions into someone else’s project while not being at 100% because of some other personal issues.

For years, because of a prior relationship that I had, I learned early that as an individual, you can’t let yourself go, in simpler terms: you can’t lose yourself in someone that is not yourself first.

And so, you have to do the same thing when it comes to materials.

If I invest in someone else’s project, that in no way, shape or form will benefit me projection wise, then how will I learn that my time and efforts have been for a good reason?

That person will take credit for the work done because it is a projected created and curated by them, and the art they have invested in and that’s something that we should all understand when working with others.

In that case, I learned that I can’t let others outshine me, nor can I let myself become too emotionally invested in others who will not see what I bring to the table.

Now, of course I am not saying that I am no longer someone who will collaborate with others or seek to do projects and offer advice. I am simply stating that I can’t involve myself in something that will cause me to push my own project to the side.

When I first started writing, I realized how beneficial it was to me. I created a platform in which I can express how I feel, a platform in where I can have others relate to me and who I am or becoming.

What sense does it make to lose or let go of what I believe in simply to dedicate myself to someone else’s success.

I have been going back and forth with myself for about three months now. Seriously trying to understand where I was and why I was going through some of the things I was going through.

I have felt some immense pain lately, and I reminded myself that I am not the same person anymore. I have questioned who I am, and what I truly stand for. Who am I becoming? And whether I was being taken advantage of or truly appreciated by those around me.

You truly become blinded to these things sometimes when you want to keep everything in the dark and not put yourself to shine in the light.

It's ok to allow yourself to shine independently. There is no wrong in being selfish or for looking out for yourself. These past months have been nothing but trial and error, a true test of my patience, and most importantly my character.

As many of you can relate, when things get hard sometimes we just don’t want to deal with people and we don’t even acknowledge that we have some people in our corner that are here to help us when times get rough. It takes times to deal with hurt and pain, and I have been learning that again.

It’s hard when you feel like you are at the top, you show that you are at the top or headed to the top, and that one thing comes at you and knocks you completely off your feet.

How do you get back up?

I have been dealing with some insecurities again, as a woman, and I have been questioning myself on a daily basis as to why some of these thoughts are reoccurring, and whether it’s me or the circumstances I have been facing.

These are typical things that us women do when we feel like we have failed at something or failed to provide someone with something. My mother always says to never take things literal, or at least try to take things like a grain of salt. I always try to take my mother’s word for most things in life because of course she’s mom, but recently I have found myself crying. Crying because I am overwhelmed, confused with somethings, but most importantly because I am a woman and sometimes all we need to do as humans is cry, and reflect on life and why things happen to us all. I am someone who looks for the underlying meaning in everything, words are not just words to me, because as someone who puts so much thought and meaning too certain words or statements, I can’t look at other words as just words: one of my biggest flaws.

And so,

I would like to say to all of you thank you, many of you have been checking in on me, I have received a few quotes and prayers to re-inspire me and it is all truly appreciated.

I have made a promise to myself again, and that is to become a better woman again. It’s all about falling, and how you get back on your feet. You can never take anything for granted. When you least expect it, something will knock you down or halt your progress, and this is ok, no I am not someone who doesn’t believe in the good of life, but I am a realist.

I can’t live life feeling or believing that nothing will happen to me, that my path is already drawn out and paved for me because it isn’t. Your path is what you make of yourself, and how you go about making yourself. You can’t simply “speak it into existence” that’s not how life works, you’ll be a damn fool speaking it into existence for the rest of your life. You have to put forth hard work, dedication, and passion; you gotta have drive and motivation to get where you want in life. You can’t skip steps on a ladder, you have to climb and take one step at a time to reach your destination safely and efficiently. Dreams don’t come into reality by the end of the day, and so I say to you all to never lose sight of this. Don’t be that person who simply speaks it into existence, be that person who PLACES it into existence.

If you want something, go out there and get it. For what it’s all worth, you will be happier with yourself knowing that you have done everything possible to get to where you want to be. It won’t be something handed to you but earned.

Also, remind yourself constantly about self-love and self-worth when times get hard. When you are faced with situations that make you question these two things, let yourself know that you are YOU. Nobody can ever take that from you.

Yes, I am a work in progress as many of us are, yes, I am second guessing my moves, my cards, my pawns, but that doesn’t mean I lose sight of the end goal.

I am battling some of the toughest feelings many of us women have felt before, but I do it ferociously so that I can never lose sight of my value as a woman.

In order to be better for others, you have to better for yourself.

It’s all love at the end of the day.

My favorite thing to say to anyone who is going through my pains or experiences.

At the end of day, we will all grow, flourish and shine. One day at a time, one step at a time, we will make it. And when we do, that’s when we all sit down for a toast, to celebrate all of our success as human-beings.

Like always, I leave you with some quotes below! Especially some that have been helping me get back on my feet little by little.

Most importantly, I remind you all that I am back & working on myself: so please be patient and remember that I will always be thankful for all of you who share this platform with me.

Quotes:

“Positive thinking is powerful thinking. If you want happiness, fulfillment, success and inner peace, start thinking you have the power to achieve those things. Focus on the bright side of life and expect positive results.” ― Germany Kent

“Self-transformation commences with a period of self-questioning. Questions lead to more questions, bewilderment leads to new discoveries, and growing personal awareness leads to transformation in how a person lives. Purposeful modification of the self only commences with revising our mind’s internal functions. Revamped internal functions eventually alter how we view our external environment.” ― Kilroy J. Oldster

“In order to grow sometimes we must cease striving to meet other people’s expectations and begin establishing new goals that develop our personal potential. If we live a life to satisfy all the direct or implicit anticipations of other people, we end up living a life full of regret because we failed to develop into a complete manifestation of our being.” ― Kilroy J. Oldster

“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection” – Buddha

“Until you value yourself, you won’t value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it. ” – M. Scott Peck

“A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.” – Mark Twain

“Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one’s definition of your life, but define yourself.” – Harvey Fierstein

“Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world.” – Lucille Ball

“Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you have an obligation to be one.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

“If only you could sense how important you are to the lives of those you meet; how important you can be to people you may never even dream of. There is something of yourself that you leave at every meeting with another person.” – Fred Rogers

“Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-break on.” – Maxwell Maltz

“What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

“When you recover or discover something that nourishes your soul and brings joy, care enough about yourself to make room for it in your life.” – Jean Shinoda Bolen

“Self-care is never a selfish act—it is simply good stewardship of the only gift I have, the gift I was put on earth to offer to others.” – Parker Palmer

Stay blessed my Kings & Queens.