Mask off.

"Everything you're looking for lies behind the mask you wear" Dalai Lama

First and foremost, I would like to extend an apology to all of my readers. I am a recent graduate student, and I am still adjusting to school , work , and extracurricular activities. With that, it will take me longer to post these blogs and interact with you. Yet, I want you to know your patience is valued and I appreciate the continuous love and support.

So, to get straight to the point, this morning 9/13/2017, I was talking to a friend of mines. The conversation sparked my blog topic without me realizing it, which is now (8:04 p.m.). I was reminded that a lot of us go through some hard times. Yes, I know. It's common, we are all human, who doesn't go through hard times right? The point is, how do we handle those hard times? What is our thought process? How can it affect us?

It truly made me dig deep down and remember some of my hardest times and how I have dealt with them. Now, the problem is, I know that everyone doesn't feel or think the same so this blog post will have to be molded into your perspective and mines. Normally, when I am upset, sad, confused, frustrated: I tend to hide it all. It's like I am crumbling a piece of paper with all my feelings in it and tossing it in the trash can. I am very well known to be someone to mask their feelings when wanted. It's funny because I would like to think that I tend to show my feelings, but it's hard to show feelings that make you look "weak" or "crazy".

Everyday that I wake up, I feel different. Sometimes I wake up with a clear mindset, I know how my days going to go, I know what I want to do and how, and then comes a little nick in the plan. Poof. Just like that, I'm feeling hopeless, frustrated, mad, sad, and all types of crazy feelings. As humans, and me in particular, I crave to feel. I know that I flourish off of struggle. I know that I can strive off of doubts. I know that I can hide myself behind my mask, or I can take that mask off. All in a matter of seconds.

There are also times when I wake up, and I look at myself in the mirror. "Who am I"? "Who are you Daliana"?

The fascinating ability to be able to hide our own identities behind this mask. The choice we make in order to show only what we choose behind this mask. The feelings of excitement when discovering who is behind this mask. The fears of also disliking who is behind this mask. The common misconception of the eyes, of who that mask is covering. The beauty of the mystery that will soon be set free when the mask comes off.

When I take off my mask, I see beauty. I know who I can be, and who I should be all the time. Yet in this generation, it's very difficult to want to show the world who you are. You have to learn to accept yourself in this crazy world we live in. When I lift my mask, I see a silly, loud, loving, crazy, passionate, full of emotions, hurt - but healed, caring woman. When I put it on, I see a conservative, busy, serious, business like, determined, ambitious woman. Don't get me wrong: I have learned to love both sides of my mask, yet it has become the most challenging thing to mesh them together into one. There are times where due to societal pressures, calm, conservative, classy is the way to succeed. The minute you step out of that frame, your labeled. Labeling is one of the main reasons why we as humans feel the need to wear the mask in the first place.

"Living in the shadow

Can you imagine what kind of life it is to live?

In the shadows people see you as happy and free

Because that's what you want them to see

Living two lives, happy, but not free

You live in the shadows for fear of someone hurting your family or the person you love

The world is changing and they say it's time to be free

But you live with the fear of just being me

Living in the shadow feels like the safe place to be

No harm for them, no harm for me

But life is short, and it's time to be free

Love who you love, because life isn't guaranteed

Smile"

-Gloria Carter : Jay Z - Smile

These lyrics speak so much to me, it's such a fulfilling feeling when you know that there are other ways and platforms to share similar feelings. For the longest, many of us have been living in the shadows and behind these masks. We're often to busy, living a fast paced life, that we don't take the time to sit back and just enjoy life and everything that it throws our way. As people in this generation, we have grown to worry about what others think and say about us instead of living carefree.

For the longest, I forced myself to walk around with my head high, acting like nothing was wrong because that's the easiest and fastest way to deal with things. I put this mask on that led people to believe that I was always good. It's easy to smile, it's easy to hide tears, it's easy to be fake. Yet I've learned that the hardest thing we can do sometimes is to confront ourselves. To question ourselves. To doubt ourselves. To correct or change ourselves until we are happy, and living carefree.

About a moth ago, I had a moment with myself. I had an argument with a friend, that immediately pissed me off. It made me cry, it made me rethink our whole friendship because personally, I felt very disrespected. A million thoughts were racing through my head as I was typing a response that literally had my hands shaking. When the whole conversation was over, I sat back and looked at myself in the mirror. (I do this often)

Eyes red and all watery , I asked myself , "is all of this really f***** worth it Daliana"? "You have to be f******* shitting me". Literally. Dead ass.

I was so mad at myself because I snapped. I let my anger, and built up emotions that had been easily tucked behind that mask come out like if they were nothing. Words, and feelings, and BS all meshed together slapping me in the face as I looked at myself in the mirror.

My point is, that yes, I have cried. I have broken down, I have felt pain and hurt. I have went days without eating, I have lost countless hours of sleep, I have driven myself mad behind this mask. But, at the end of the day, what matters most is that we should love ourselves. We are a beautiful disaster. Each and every one of us. And that's ok to admit. It's ok to confront. It's ok to show the world. We need to learn to stop living in the shadow, and we need to learn not to force others around us to live in the shadows as well.

"Thats a question to ask yourself. Why do you take some of the things you do so serious. Usually little things too. At the end of the day , you can do nothing but keep it pushing. There are worst things that you can be going through. You have a lot going for yourself right now, which is usually when we become tested the most. When everything is going right, something has to go wrong, & even the littlest things can feel like a huge blow. The process is only the best when you deal w these little hiccups because it should make you realize, that nothing in life is given, & nothing in life comes at ease. Theres always a purpose behind these feelings, these talks, these thoughts. You just have to figure out what it is within time. For now, don't sweat it, sure you were feeling down, but today is a new day, new vibes, new thoughts, so let's put it behind you & move forward. We talked about it, put it in a baggie & toss it now. I think you have realized that you just need to let things go sometimes, and I think you realized that you should learn how to deal more w feelings even when your so "busy" w life"

This is some of the advice I gave my friend this morning, and the same advice I will extend to you, my readers. It's hard to remove this mask we have on. But it's a must. We should crave growth, and we should love who we become in the process of removing this mask. Letting go of extra baggage, negative vibes, negative thoughts, and infectious feelings will feel so relieving. It has taken me years to do this. To remove these things from my life, and I still have years to go, but I love the woman that I am becoming in the process. I have never loved myself and what I am doing in life more than what I do now. I have learned through taking my mask off, that judgement will always be there, hard times will always be there, mistakes, hiccups, and failures will always remain constant: but the way that I am now able to manage and deal with these things is what I love the most. The growth I have seen within myself, and that I hope you too, will be able to see within yourself as time progresses. We only have one life, time is never on our side, so it's best that we take advantage of the opportunities now, and remove our masks. Slow down, you're never in a rush. Learn to enjoy the time that we have, instead of living such a busy fast paced life, you'll regret it one day.

Just love. Be humble. Live. Forgive. Forget. Move on. Grow. Be yourself. Love yourself. Be proud of yourself.