Love is not abuse ...

“It hurts the most when the person that made you feel so special yesterday, makes you feel so unwanted today”.

October is usually well recognized for Breast Cancer Awareness, as well as Domestic Violence Awareness. Sadly, a lot of people focus more on the Breast Cancer Awareness portion and tend to forget about the Domestic Violence portion of it all.

As I have previously mentioned before in some of my blog posts, my father at a young age had a very difficult childhood. He was in and out of jail for multiple reasons, and was also someone who used alcohol and other drugs as well. I am not going to sit here and bash my father either because when he was a sober father he was an amazing father.

When I was younger, around the ages of 3 and 4, my father and mother weren’t as solid anymore. They would argue, and jealousy and rage was the heaviest thing in between them. My father wouldn’t allow my mother to dress a certain way, she couldn’t talk or look at certain people, she wasn’t allowed to leave the house with me etc. When I was growing up and was the only child for some time, the situation really took a toll on my life. It was very difficult for me to adjust to what I was seeing, hearing, or experiencing. Touching my mother’s bruises, watching her look at herself in the mirror to wipe away the blood, crying. Watching her as she would hold me, and tell me everything was going to be ok, while she feared for our lives. There is no easy way to escape this vicious cycle sometimes, and especially just by walking away. Threats are made, children are involved, and many other factors that sometimes people tend to forget about.

Because of the various issues between my parents, we resided in shelters for some time while he was incarcerated. This taught me to value the little things in life, like shelter, food and water, and whatever toy I could hold onto, especially my teddy bear. After a few times, I was used to us being in and out of the shelter system because of my father. Home became wherever me and my mom was safe.

What I still didn’t have a grip on at this time, was how every time he did come home, the abuse began over and over again. I would watch him push and shove her, smack her, punch her, choke her, all while I cried so hard that my tears covered my eyes and I couldn’t see anymore. My father than began to lock me in the bathroom so I wouldn’t see it, but I could hear it, and that didn’t ever erase the images. The begging for help, the screams, the tears, the yelling all just very horrifying. As I got older I questioned my mother because I now had a brother and a sister. By the time my youngest sister was born in 2001, my mother finally took us all too Puerto Rico to get away and simply attempt to start all over again.

For years, after being in Puerto Rico with my family, my mother brought us back to the United States so that we can continue to grow and learn. She thought coming here would make our educational opportunities a lot better, and her chances at employment would also be better, alongside giving my father the opportunity to become a father to us. At around the age of 12-13 which is when we came back, it really started to hit me, the fact that I didn’t live in a “family” and that I had witnessed all the things I had, at such a young age. I always questioned why my mom stood so long, and she would tell me love, hope, and simply the state of fear. When she would talk to me, I didn’t understand her, I didn’t want to understand her because I thought they we’re excuses. How can you love a man that does this to you? What is love? Is this normal? Is this what boyfriend and girlfriends do to each other? Are all families like this?

All too similar questions that I constantly asked myself when in this situation.

It is not until I started to experience the abuse in my own relationships, that I began to actually feel and understand what she was saying to me for so many years. What’s a little amusing to me was that I never truly talked about what I was going through in any of my relationships. I also lost sight that Domestic Violence isn’t just a “physical thing” because mental and emotional can sometimes be harsher than the physical abuse. As humans, we tend to internalize what is said and done to us when the outcomes or feelings of what is being done are painful.

My first real relationship at the age of 15, consisted of more of a mental and emotional abuse. I was always told what to wear, what not to wear, how to act, what not to say or do, and I was forced into being with my partner intimately. No was just not the answer to say. At this age, my first “relationship” you don’t know what to expect. You're young, you’re going for the ride and that’s what I did. There was always constant arguing, and a lot of verbal abuse involved at such a young age.

My second relationship after that, the person I was dating had a lot of mental issues, alongside a very low self-esteem. He thought about killing himself, he had no motivation for life, his mom was on drugs, and he was being “abused” by his ex-girlfriend etc. This relationship was around the age of 17, and at that time I already had my first job, I was a Junior in HS, and had a lot going on for myself on a positive note. Mentally and emotionally though, I was very exhausted. With trying to deal with things at school, plus take care of a grown man at this age was a lot of pressure on myself but my natural instincts of always wanting to help people is what got me into this mess. This relationship was different, it was more of a deep friendship instead of a lusty, romantic relationship. He ended up cheating on me with his ex-girlfriend that supposedly “abused him” after one of our close friends passed away all in the same time frame.

Last but not least, my first and LAST relationship with a female. Ahhhh. Senior year. Lol after being so depressed about being cheated on, my ex-girlfriend was also going through a similar situation which is how we ended up bonding. Such a funny coincidence. Prior to being in a relationship, she was a transfer student, so she was a new face in a big HS where everyone knew each other for various reasons. Now we are going to skip through all the mushy gushy BS, and get to the point with this one being it was my most recent and longest relationship. So, as I mentioned previously in another post, this relationship lasted 4 1/2 years. Now me and this person are on talking terms so I won’t go too hard. But let me tell you something, when you are hurting, it is very easy to fall into people’s traps. Emotionally, I was so eager for a getaway that I didn’t even realize the signs from the beginning.

For example, when I got accepted into Mercyhurst University, in P.A for college, we had a huge argument because I wouldn’t settle for less and stay in NY. So, her way of getting to me was by buying me a promise ring. She did the whole “lemme take you to the beach, walk the pier, give you a promise ring and promise to do right by your side and made me promise the same”. At first, aww it’s just so adorable. Nice way to send me off to college. So, boom, then she hits me w a 30-thing checklist of shit to do on a daily basis like times to call or text her, how many times to FaceTime her bla bla. At first, I’m like ok. Not bad. I just ignored all the signs. She then transferred out there with me, which is when everything changed. I lost contact with a lot of my friends I had made my 1st year because she didn’t want me talking to none of them. It was also the first time she physically put her hands on me. It was my first time to get away. Did I? Obviously not. From there, it got worst.

Now, I must admit, I am not perfect, I have my flaws, I have my insecurities, I can come off super strong when I am being ignored or my point isn’t getting across. That’s just how I am. Due to this, our arguments were disgusting. One thing would lead to another topic, and then I was yelling at the top of my lungs in her face trying to end the conversation instead of walking away. I also had the bad habit of when we argued and she walked away, to follow her because I would feel immediate guilt.

Therefore, I became the weakest link.

“I hate you” “Your stupid” “An attention seeker” “Too friendly” “Acting like a hoe” and my list may continue. I have to say that verbal abuse is the worst abuse to ever experience from someone who is supposed to be your greatest supporter. Being pinched in a corner while going blow for blow is not love. Telling me you hate me and that I am stupid is not love. Arguing about everything is not love. Telling me I can’t have guy friends is not love. Telling me I can’t go out with friends ain’t love. Watching me cry and laugh isn’t love. Looking at your masterpiece of bruises and not having shit to say is not love. Telling me to be submissive is not love. Telling me to change is not love. Making me question whether I am worth anything is not love.

Trust me, I learned my lesson, the saddest part of it all is that I stood there. And it was so evident to everyone else but myself. After crying myself to sleep for many countless nights, after stressing myself out and questioning the relationship, I always told myself it was going to be over. It was going to change. It wasn’t going to happen again.

Jokes on you Daliana.

My mom was the one who opened my eyes to this. I called her one night after an argument at my second college , SUNY Oswego (yes we went to the same college again) and she felt it. She asked me “what are you doing”. My initial response was to say, “sitting in my car” she said no “what are you doing, after I fought so hard to get away, so hard to get you out of the cycle, why are you falling into it”? At first, I didn’t know what to say. How could she have known. “Your unhappy, you don’t spend time with the family no-more, you’re a complete different person, GET OUT, I love you” and she hung up the phone on me that night.

Moral of the story here, if you are going through this, if you are in my shoes, if you are afraid, if you are walking on eggshells with your partner, if you fear for your safety, if you are being mentally, emotionally, or physically abused, please don’t stay. Find help, get out. I could’ve easily gave up on life, I could’ve taken my own life because I was drowning. My life could’ve also been taken from me. These situations are no joke, and yes, many will constantly turn away and ignore all visible signs because they think you have it under control. That is RARELY the case. There is help, there are people that have been through what you are going through and can relate. You will be surprised.

To the rest of my audience, who may have never experienced DV, be on the lookout and pay attention to those around you. Personality changes, weight loss or gains, lack of motivation, not wanting to hang out or do anything, are all signs of DV, and the list continues. Below I have provided hotline numbers, I have provided a list of evident signs to look for, and how to approach someone who is experiencing this. Remember that women and children are NOT the only ones to experience this, MEN are victims too.

My mother was my savior, the very person that I mirrored every-time I looked at myself in the mirror doing this tough time. Not everyone is as fortunate for a parent or sibling to realize these changes. So please, don’t only pay attention during October, but all year around.

Thank you, for reading, for not judging (hopefully) and for having a clear and open mind when reading this as well. Feel free to reach out like always

Some warning signs of abuse in the home or in a relationship include:

Pushing for quick involvement: Comes on strong, claiming, “I’ve never felt loved like this by anyone.”

Jealousy: Excessively possessive; calls constantly or visits unexpectedly; prevents you from going to work because “you might meet someone.”

Controlling Behavior: Interrogates you intensely (especially if you’re late) about whom you talked to and where you were; keeps all the money; insists you ask permission to do anything.

Unrealistic expectations: Expects you to be the perfect mate and meet his or her every need.

Isolation: Tries to cut you off from family and friends; accuses people who support you of “causing trouble.”

Blaming others for problems or mistakes: It’s always someone else’s fault when anything goes wrong.

Making others responsible for his or her feelings: The abuser says, “You make me angry,” instead of “I am angry,” or says, “You’re hurting me by not doing what I tell you.”

Hypersensitivity: Is easily insulted, claiming hurt feelings when he or she is really mad.Cruelty to animals or children: Kills or punishes animals brutally. Also, may expect children to do things that are far beyond their ability (whips a 3-year-old for wetting a diaper) or may tease them until they cry.

Use of force during sex: Enjoys throwing you down or holding you down against your will during sex.

Verbal abuse: Constantly criticizes or says blatantly cruel, hurtful things, degrades, curses, calls you ugly names.

Rigid roles: Expects you to serve, obey and remain at home.Sudden mood swings: Switches from sweet to violent in minutes.

Past battering: Admits to hitting a mate in the past, but says the person “made” him (or her) do it.

Threats of violence: Says things like, “I’ll break your neck,” or “I’ll kill you,” and then dismisses them with, “I didn’t really mean it.”